


Unshared feelings

by mtac_archivist



Category: NCIS
Genre: Action/Adventure, Drama, Episode: s05e18 Judgment Day (Part 1), Episode: s06e01 Last Man Standing, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not a Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-03
Updated: 2009-06-03
Packaged: 2019-03-02 05:12:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13311237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtac_archivist/pseuds/mtac_archivist
Summary: Gibbs is dealing with Tony's absence





	1. New team

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Jessi, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [ MTAC](https://fanlore.org/wiki/MTAC), an archive of NCIS fanfiction which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after August 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator (and this work is still attached to the archivist account), please contact me using the e-mail address on [ the MTAC collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/mtac/profile)

Part 1. The new team.  
11 p.m…He didn’t really care what time it was. He had spent the entire evening in his basement, hidden from the world, hidden from his new boss. He had always considered his basement as his refuge when life was getting too hard.

And life had gotten very difficult for him the day his new boss had dissolved his team. Leon had sent Tony and Ziva miles away. The day Leon had given him the files of his new team members would stay for long in his memory as one of the worst in his life.

He had not said anything. What could have he said? He had to accept the decision of his superior even if he could not understand it. There was obviously something more behind this decision but Leon had not felt the need to explain his reasons.

He had thought a lot about it and he could accept the fact Ziva was sent back to Israel. She had been a very good NCIS agent and he could understand the Mossad needed her expertise.   
He could also accept the fact that McGee abilities would be better used in his new affectation. But why Tony…?

He knew he had never been objective when he was thinking about Tony. But Tony was his best field agent, a man he could rely on. And he could not find one valid reason why Leon had sent him away.

He was aware that he did not only miss Tony because he was a good agent. Tony had become so much more to him during the last years. Tony was irreplaceable both at the office and in his heart. He had not felt like that for years and, even if it scared him, he could not deny the feelings he had for this man.

He had tried to deny them, at first. Tony was so different from him. But his eyes, his smile had made his heart melt. He had thought he would never have felt this kind of emotions. He had built a wall around his heart and he had felt safe, like that, for years but Tony had changed everything with just one smile.

Tony would never know about his feelings. He was unable to talk to him. Even when he had seen him left he had not moved, he had not said a word. He dreamt every night of Tony. Those dreams were so real that he could almost feel the warmth of his hands on him, that he could almost feel the softness of his lips.

Tony would never hear about those dreams. Tony would never know how much he meant to him, how much he loved him. He was too much a coward for that. And he knew Tony would never return his feelings. It had hurt so much when he had learnt about this woman, this Jeanne. 

Of course, he had always known that Tony was sleeping with women. But it had been different this time. He had seen in Tony’s eyes that it was more than sex with her. He was aware it was stupid but he had felt betrayed.

It was as stupid as what had happened with Langer. But it was so easier with Langer. It was always easier when feeling were not involved. With him it was a just question of needs. He usually came here, after a long day, to release the tension and it was ok for him.

Gibbs knew it was not sane and that it was just a way to forget about what he missed the most. Langer would never know that it was not his hands that Gibbs was feeling on his skin. He was aware the situation was not fair for Langer but he could not offer more than that. He was not sure Langer was searching for more. The man had never said nor done anything that could make him think he was seeing more in him than a sexual partner.

Well, they had never talked about and they would never talk about it. What happened in this basement would stay in this basement. It was better this way. Tony was the only one he would accept to really open up to. And it would never happen.

 

So, here he was, working on a boat that he would probably never sail, waiting for a man he didn’t love. He was sure Langer would come. They would have sex and, once more, Gibbs would picture Tony’s hands on his skin, Tony’s body touching his. He was not sure to be able to pretend any longer that sex was enough.

He was lost in his thoughts and had not heard Langer come in. Langer knew the door was never locked and he knew where to find Gibbs. 

Gibbs didn’t turn to look at him. He didn’t want to see him, he just wanted to feel and let his mind give him what he really needed. He needed this illusion to be able to go on one more day without Tony.

As always, Gibbs closed his eyes when he felt Langer arms around his waist. The man knew what would make Gibbs happy and the older could not suppress a soft moan when Langer kissed and licked his earlobe, moving down to his neck.

Langer’s hands were moving under Gibbs’ T-shirt caressing his chest. The right hand exploring his torso soon found what it was searching for and Langer started nibbling at his right nipple. 

Langer’s left hand had started his travel down to Gibbs waistband. Langer knew how to make Gibbs moan and ask for more. His left hand was now on Gibbs’ penis; just staying there, not moving.

Gibbs unzipped his jeans and let it go down on his ankle. He could feel Langer’s hardness inside his pants, pressing against his ass. Gibbs wanted it so bad that he could not help moaning again. 

Langer’s right hand left Gibbs’ right nipple to unzip his own pants. Gibbs knew what Langer wanted now so got rid of his pants and spread his legs further apart. Langer’s left hand was still on Gibbs penis, while his right hand was stroking his ass.

Gibbs bit his tongue not to scream when Langer penetrated him with one finger. Langer tongue was licking Gibbs’ neck and his left was now going up and down Gibbs’ shaft. Mind was a powerful thing; Gibbs could almost smell Tony’s perfume. The man behind him was giving him what Tony would never give him.

Gibbs was unable to hold back the tears and he let them fell down his cheeks while Langer was penetrating him. The physical pleasure was intense but Gibbs was never really satisfied. He needed more than that, more than sex.

He tried to get lost in the moment, to concentrate in the pleasure Langer was giving him. His body responded to the pleasure but, for his heart, it was not enough.  
Langer’s cock was going in and out faster now; their sweating bodies pressed each other. Gibbs head was resting on the wood of his boat, his eyes still closed.

Gibbs knew Langer was close to climax when he heard him moan and when he felt him move faster and harder inside him. Langer’s left hand was moving along Gibbs’ hard cock and one last stroke made him come.

Gibbs’ entire body was shivering when he felt Langer come inside him. Langer’s head fell on Gibbs’ shoulder. He was breathing hard and he left a soft kiss on Gibbs’ shoulder before moving away.

Gibbs didn’t move; he didn’t open his eyes. He knew Langer would not say a word. Gibbs heard him put on his pants and he waited until he heard him close the basement door.  
Gibb s had spent days trying to convince himself that he was ok with the fact Langer was using him and for a moment it had worked well. But it was getting harder. Gibbs was feeling so bad that he could not even look at his reflection on the mirror. He was disgusted by what he had allowed Langer to do to him.

Gibbs was trying to find something that had never been here. Tony would never have feelings for him and they would never be more than team mates.  
He didn’t know for how long he stayed there without moving; unable to open his eyes. He realized he was alone and slowly went to bed. He didn’t sleep this night. He just stayed in the dark, thinking, one more time, about what it would be like to spend a night in Tony’s arms; about what it would be like to be able to tell him the truth.

But it was just a dream. He knew everyone had to live with the choice they had made. But sometimes, the price was way too high to pay.


	2. Come back

Part 2. Comeback.

His team was back. Langer was dead. So much had happened in the last weeks that Gibbs would need time to think about the consequences.   
McGee and Ziva were at their desks but Tony was not here. Leon had told him it was impossible for now to make him come back but Gibbs had not believed him. Leon had sent Tony away to punish the young man.

Gibbs knew Tony had lived his new assignment as a punishment and he hated himself not to have talked to him before he left. He wished he had had the courage to tell him that Jenny’s death was not his fault. But he had been angry…Not at Tony but at Jenny. She had not asked for his help; she had died alone, in the middle of nowhere.

Gibbs had told himself many times that; if he had the chance to have Tony back in his life; he would talk to him. He wanted to tell him about his feelings for a long time but he was well aware that he would always find good reasons not to talk to Tony.

The real reason why he would never talk to him was that he was afraid of Tony’s reaction. He was scared to lose what he had. If the situation was not so sad, Gibbs would have laughed. Tony and he had nothing; nothing more than a boss-subordinate relationship. The only moment when he could touch Tony was when he slapped him at the behind of his head.  
Gibbs missed those touches. He missed his smile, his voice. 

Gibbs was at his desk, trying to work on the file he had in front of him but his mind was somewhere else. His mind was in the middle of the ocean, with Tony, the man that filled his dreams.  
Gibbs had suffered after Langer’s death. He had not thought it would hurt him so much. When he had entered the white room, he had seen Agent Lee, a gun in her hands. Then he had seen Langer on the floor; his eyes closed; blood on his shirt. He had realized immediately Langer was dead. 

The pain Gibbs had felt at that moment had almost been understandable for him. He had thought Langer had not reached his heart but he had been wrong. Gibbs had not said anything when Lee had declared she had been obliged to kill Langer, that Langer was threatening her life. He had not said anything when Leon had said they had finally found the traitor.

Gibbs didn’t believe Lee. He had felt from the beginning that she was hiding something. It would probably take time but he would find the truth; he would find what had happened to Langer. He would not let anyone believe Langer had betrayed his team, his country.

For that he would need Tony’s help. His first battle would be to make Tony come back; even if he had to fight Leon himself. He didn’t care about how many doors he would have to break down or how many people he would have to disturb. He needed Tony back in his team.

 

Ziva and McGee were working. None of them had asked for Tony’s desk. Gibbs had been proud to see the respect they showed for their former boss. Gibbs had always been proud of his team; even if he had never really told nor showed them. He was the boss and he was not supposed to make compliments.  
Maybe he should have…especially with Tony. Gibbs knew about Tony’s insecurity, he had read about his childhood. He knew the way his father had thrown him out of his house. It was not surprising that Tony was always searching for Gibbs’ approval.

Gibbs was lost in his thoughts when he heard Leon’s voice.  
-Agent Gibbs, do you have the Barney’s files?  
Gibbs didn’t really know what to think about his new boss. He could not help thinking this man had stolen Jenny’s job and that it was not his place.  
-Yes, Sir. I’ve just finished it.  
He gave Leon the requested file and was waiting for him to leave. But Leon was not moving. Gibbs looked up at him, waiting for him to tell him what he wanted.

-Agent Dinozzo will be back at the end of the week. He will be back in your team on Monday.  
Gibbs didn’t know what he was supposed to say: “thank you”… “What have taken you so long?”  
-Agent Gibbs?  
-What will happen to Agent Lee?   
-She’s going to be assigned to a new team.  
-Ok

Leon left before Gibbs could ask him anything else. He could not believe how easy it had been. He didn’t even have to ask for Tony’s return. Leon had understood there was no need to keep Tony away anymore. Leon had made his point. He wanted Tony to understand that what had happened with Jenny should never happen again. Gibbs thought that Tony had understood very well. The man was a fast learner.

Gibbs could not help smiling while he was thinking about Tony’s reaction when he learnt he was about to come back home. Gibbs remembered well the look in Tony’s eyes when Leon had told him about his new assignment. He had seemed so lost. For a moment, Gibbs had wanted to take him in his arms. He had wanted to whisper in Tony’s ears that everything would be all right, that he didn’t need to worry.

But he had not said anything, he had not made a move and Tony had left without knowing what Gibbs felt about it. Tony had accepted his new job without even complaining. What hurt Gibbs the most was that he was sure Tony thought Gibbs agreed with this punishment. 

But now he knew he would have time to talk to Tony. He would have his entire team back the following week. It was already late in the afternoon and Tony was probably packing his things to come back home. 

-Go back home. It was a long day.  
Ziva and McGee looked up at their boss, visibly surprised by this order. They both nodded and got up.  
-Boss, I’ve finished the report on the Boles’ file. It will be on your desk tomorrow morning.  
-Good job, Tim.  
Gibbs was reading a note on his desk so he didn’t see the stunned look on McGee’s face. 

Ziva and McGee walked to the elevator. As soon as the door closed, McGee turned to looked at Ziva. The young woman’s face was unreadable as always.  
-He called me Tim…And he said I did a good job…It was just a case report…I didn’t solve the case.

Ziva smiled without looking at her team mate.   
-Sometimes males can be so blind!  
-What? What did I miss this time?  
-Have you listened to what Director Vance told Gibbs?  
-Yes and I’m happy to have Tony back in the team…Even if I will never say that to him. But I don’t see the link between Tony’s come back and Gibbs sudden kindness…  
-He is happy.

McGee was completely lost now. Of course, he knew that Tony was an important part of the team and that Gibbs trusted him and even liked to work with him. But he could not still understand what Ziva meant.  
Ziva finally turned to face McGee just when the elevator doors opened and with a bright smile she added  
-I think our boss is in love.

Mc Gee stayed in the elevator, trying to find out what she wanted to tell him and what her words really meant. Then it hit him. The doors closed on him. When they opened again, Ziva was on the other side, smiling at him.

-Come on McGee. You’re not going to sleep here.  
-But you don’t mean what I think you mean? Gibbs can’t…  
-And why not? Do you think he doesn’t have a heart and can have feelings?  
-It’s not what I mean.

Ziva placed a hand on McGee’s arm.  
-I know, Tim. But don’t worry, I don’t think Gibbs will ever act of his feelings and talk to Tony.  
They walked in silence to their car. Before opening the door of his car, McGee looked up to Ziva.  
-It’s too bad. I’m sure they would be good together.

It was Ziva’s turn to stay still for long minutes before realizing McGee had left. Her team mate was right, Tony and Gibbs would be good for each other. But she could not imagine Gibbs talking about his feelings to Tony and she didn’t think that Tony was even aware of his own feelings toward his boss. Maybe they would need a little help.  
She smiled when she thought of what Gibbs could do to her if she tried to talk to Tony about it.

Monday morning. 6 am.   
Gibbs was already at his desk. He had not slept the previous night, spending the night in his basement. He had walked to Tony’s apartment just to check the young man was home. He had felt so happy when he had seen the light coming through the kitchen window that he had not been able to hold back a sigh of relief.

Gibbs looked up when he heard the doors of the elevator open. He knew it was Tony.  
Gibbs knew that Tony would come to the office very early for his first day. Just to be sure his team mates and his boss realized that he was back and he was still the senior field agent of the team. Gibbs smiled at this thought.

When he looked up at Tony he saw immediately that there was something wrong. Tony was walking as if he was in pain and Gibbs could see on his face that the last weeks had been more difficult for him than they all had thought. 

Gibbs got up and walked to him. Tony had not seen him and when Gibbs placed a hand on the young man’s arm, Tony almost jumped.  
-Relax, Tony. Welcome back.  
-Thanks Boss.

Gibbs had not moved his hand and he could feel that Tony was not at ease with him so close. It was a little surprising, Tony had never said anything that could make Gibbs think he didn’t like such contacts.

-What’s wrong, Tony?  
For the first time since his arrival, Tony looked up at him and what Gibbs saw in his eyes made his blood freeze in his veins. Tony was scared, terrified. What had happened to him that could make him feel like that.  
-Nothing Boss. I’m ready to go back to work. 

Gibbs knew that he should not insist but he could not let Tony go without explanations.  
-What happened, Tony? You know you can talk to me.  
Tony laughed but there was no joy in this laughter.  
-Sure Jethro. What do you want me to talk about?   
-I can see there is something wrong.  
-Another “gut feeling” Jethro? 

Gibbs didn’t miss the ironical tone. Tony had been hurt; badly hurt and he had had to deal with it alone. Gibbs knew what Tony had faced during his childhood and one more time, people who cared about him had abandoned him. It was not surprising that he reacted this way now.

-Ok, Dinozzo. I am here if you want to talk. I’m happy you’re back in the team.  
Tony didn’t answer. He was happy to be back too but he was not sure to be able to work with them now. They had let him go without a word. Gibbs had not even said goodbye. Ziva and McGee had come back a week before him. He had had to spend one more week in hell. Director Vance had wanted to punish him and he had done well.

Tony sat at his desk slowly. Gibbs was still looking at him, trying to guess what had happened. He was already trying to find a way to make Leon pay but, if he was really honest, he was angrier at himself. He had not fought to keep Tony in his team and he had let the man he loved get hurt.


	3. Trust

Chapter 3.

Friday evening. 8pm.  
One week after his come back, Tony was still avoiding Gibbs. He was doing his job but nothing more. No more jokes, no more smiles. Gibbs was getting more and more worried. Tony was visibly very tired and still in pain. He was moving carefully and avoiding contacts.  
Gibbs had tried to talk about it with Ducky but Tony had not come to see the ME to talk about any injury.

Tony was still at his desk, working on some files. Gibbs didn’t want to leave before him. He knew they needed to talk even if it was just to clear some things. Gibbs could feel Tony was angry at him even if the young man was good at hiding his feelings.

-I’m going back home, Boss.  
Gibbs looked up to see Tony in front of his desk.  
-Ok. I’m leaving too.  
They walked together to the elevator and let the doors closed on them. Gibbs switched the “stop” button. He had always liked talking in the elevator; no cameras, no witnesses.

-What are you doing Boss?   
-I need to talk with you.  
-You could have done that somewhere else. Please, let’s go somewhere more…somewhere less..

Gibbs could hear the panic in Tony’s voice and it was not only due to the talk they needed to have. Gibbs realized that Tony could not stand being in such a small, closed space with him.

-I just need to talk to you.  
Tony looked at him. Gibbs realized it had taken a lot out of him to make the effort to look at his boos in the eyes like that.  
-Please, Jethro. Not here.  
-Why?  
-I can’t stay here.  
-I will need more than that, Tony.

Tony tried to reach the button to restart the elevator but Gibbs stopped him before he could touch it. They were now face to face and Gibbs could feel Tony was breathing hard. Gibbs placed his hands on Tony’s arms. The younger man tried to flee from Gibbs’ hold but he could not move fast enough. Gibbs was holding him. They were close, too close for Tony.   
It was getting hard for him to breath.

-Let me go out of here. I won’t let you hurt me.  
Gibbs let Tony go and the younger man found refuge on the other side of the elevator; as far away from Gibbs as he could go.  
-I will never hurt you, Tony.

Tony sat on the floor, placing his arms around his knees. Gibbs knelt at his side, not touching him.  
-I will never hurt you, Tony. You’re too precious to me.  
-You let them hurt me.  
Those words had been said in a whisper but Gibbs had heard them well. He didn’t know what had happened on this submarine but the Tony who had come back was not the same who had left.

-What did they do to you? Please, Tony, talk to me.  
-I can’t. It’s my fault. I was alone.  
-You’re not alone now. Let’s get out of this elevator. 

Gibbs helped Tony get up and they both walk to Gibbs’ car.  
-My car is parked on the other side.  
-I know but I’m not leaving you alone tonight. You’re coming with me, to my house.  
Gibbs felt Tony tensed at his side. He stopped walking and faced the younger man.

-Do you trust me, Tony?  
-Yes Boss.  
-Ok. Good. So I’m going to say it one more time. I will never hurt you, Tony.

Tony was looking in Gibbs’ eyes, trying to determine if he could trust those words. Deep inside he knew Gibbs would never do anything that could hurt him but he could not help feeling that Gibbs had betrayed him. He had let him go and he had not been here to protect him when he needed him.  
He was aware it was stupid. Gibbs had no idea of what had happened but Tony had never felt so alone and abandoned in his life…or maybe once.

-I trust you, Jethro.  
-Good, so let’s go back home. You need a good shower and rest.  
Tony smiled at those words. He didn’t think a shower would help him. He had tried to shower but the feeling of being dirty had not left him. Gibbs drove in silence. He knew Tony didn’t want to talk about what had happened and Gibbs would not force him. 

For now he just wanted to help the man he loved to feel safe. Gibbs was aware that Tony had probably not slept during the previous nights and before being able to talk about the nightmare he had obviously lived, he needed to rest.

When they arrived in front of Gibbs house; they both got out of the car. Gibbs noticed the wince of pain on Tony’s face when he tried to get up.  
Tony was surprised to see Gibbs search for his keys and open the front door.

-I’m not completely stupid. Sometimes I lock my door.  
Tony smiled at him.  
-I’ve never thought you were stupid, Boss. Just a little weird…Sometimes.  
If they had been at the office, Gibbs would have slapped him behind the head. But, this time, the slap turned into a tender caress behind the head. Gibbs had missed being able to touch Tony.

-You’re softening, Boss. You’re going to make me think you’ve changed into a mother hen.  
-Would it be so bad, Tony?  
They were now inside the house. Tony didn’t know what to think of Gibbs change of mood. He had never seen him like that. He was obviously worried about him and Tony could help feeling warm inside at the thought that Gibbs cared about him.

-You didn’t answer my question. Is it so bad that I want to take care of you?  
-I don’t know, Boss. It depends on what you will ask in return.

Gibbs was speechless after Tony’s last remark. Tony seemed serious and was really wondering that Gibbs would ask for something from him.  
-You really think I’m doing that because I want something in return?  
-I don’t know, Boss. You tell me.

Gibbs walked to the young man. They were now face to face. This time Tony didn’t flee. He stayed there waiting for Gibbs to say something.  
-And what do you think I want, Tony?  
Tony closed the space between them. Gibbs could feel the warmth of Tony’s breath on his face. He could have kissed him right now and it was hard to resist.

-I know what you want, Boss. You know I can give you what you want.  
Tony’s hand was on Gibbs’ face, caressing his cheek. Gibbs could see that Tony was scared of what he was doing. He was scared that Gibbs could accept his offer and oblige him to do something he was not ready for. Gibbs placed his hand on Tony’s hand and pushed it away from his face.

-You really think I would do that to you? I’m not man this kind of man.  
-And what kind of man are you, Boss?  
-The kind of man who needs feelings to make love to someone.

Tony walked away from Gibbs, wandering in the living room.  
-I see. Can I take a shower?  
-The bathroom is upstairs. Second door on your left.

Tony walked upstairs, ashamed of what he had just done. He had offered himself to his boss. He would have done it if Gibbs had said yes. Tony could not decide if he was happy or upset that Gibbs had refused.   
He opened the bathroom door and smiled. The room was exactly as he had imagined it: tidy, clean but functional. Tony closed the door behind him and started undress. The bruises on his back , chest and legs were healing but they were still painful.

Tony was concentrated on his actions, moving slowly to avoid awakening the pain. He didn’t hear Gibbs open the door. The older man stay still for a long moment, not daring disturbing Tony. He was so shocked to see Tony's body.

Tony had been badly beaten. His back was almost entirely blue, black. The back of his legs were the same color. Gibbs felt the anger grow inside him. He wanted to know who had done that to Tony. He wanted to find them and make them understand what it cost to put an hand on the man he loved.

Tony turned, surprised to see Gibbs behind him. Gibbs tried to find something to say.  
-Sorry. I knocked but you didn’t answer. I wanted to give you towels.  
-Thanks, Boss.  
Tony was acting as if everything was normal. He took the towels from Gibbs’ hands. Gibbs had not moved. He had dozen of questions in mind but didn’t dare to ask one.

-I don’t really need your help to shower, Boss.  
Gibbs was still unresponsive and Tony didn’t know what to do to make him leave. He didn’t want to answer Gibbs’ questions.  
-Boss, could you leave me alone?  
-Who did that to you?  
-No one. I fell in the stairs. You know those submarine are not very comfortable…

Tony didn’t have the time to finish his sentence. Gibbs closed the space between them, facing Tony.  
-Don’t try to lie to me, Dinozzo. You’ve been beaten and more than once.  
Tony’s heart was beating too fast. He wanted one thing and the contrary at the same time. His mind was telling him to go away from Gibbs but his heart was telling him to hide in the older man’s arms and feel safe again.

-Tony, please, tell me the truth.  
Tony could not speak. His heart won the battle that was raging inside him and he rested his head on Gibbs shoulder. Gibbs put an arm around Tony’s shoulder and held the younger man close to him, trying not to hurt him too much.  
The questions would have to wait. For now, Tony needed him and he would not let him alone tonight.  
 


End file.
